Vampire Boot Camp
by Nosuchthingashappilyeverafter
Summary: When the Cullens see their movie, they're enraged. What better revenge than to teach those actors how vampires really do it? This is Vampire Boot Camp.
1. The plot

**A/N: Hello everyone! This is my lovely story. Yes, I realize some parts are terrible. I realize some are ridiculous. If you want to flame me, make sure to leave a signed review so I can respond. I know this story line is over played, but I've been planning it for a while so whatever.**

"That's it. The last straw." Edward slammed my door so hard that I was astonished when it didn't break, before appearing at his own.

"Edward, it's just a movie." I sighed, shaking my head at him.

"And a book, and a t-shirt, and a key ring, and a _body spray_ for crying out loud!" He started the car, and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "What is taking Carlisle so long!" His tone was low and dangerous. I crossed my arms over my Robert Pattinson t-shirt.

"It isn't that bad. Everyone thinks it's fiction." He rolled his eyes.

"Where is that vampire?" He growled, searching the crowds in front of the movie theater

"Can we say 'impatient'?" I muttered, and he shot me an exasperated look.

"Finally!" He cried as Carlisle pushed out the double doors and headed over to us. As soon as the door closed, we hit two hundred and were zipping away. Carlisle glanced worriedly at Edward.

"Is he okay?" He asked me, and I giggled when Edward shot a death glare into the rearview mirror.

"One question. How does Stephenie Meyer know so much about us?" I asked, and Edward's already dark expression turned even darkened.

"One of Aro's minions went traitor. This minion happened to be spying on us. He had the power to implant things into people's dreams. So he implanted our life story into hers." I nodded. "Aro wasn't able to stop the press fast enough, because he didn't realize she did anything about the knowledge until the book was published and a hit. Now he's not doing anything because everyone thinks it's fiction." I sighed. We just had to hope anyone who knew Edward and I didn't pick up on the similarities. We were already at the Cullen house, and Edward was at my door, helping me out. He caught a glance at my shirt and raised an eyebrow. Carlisle was gone and the door was open for us. He must have gone up to his study or something.

"I still think you're overreacting." I let him help me out of my jacket before taking a seat on the sofa in the Cullens huge living room.

"I can not believe that!" Rosalie shrieked as she stormed into the room. Emmett just looked frazzled.

"C'mon Rose, sit down." He pleaded. She threw her hands up, plopping down beside me. "The clothes were a disaster! And I don't glare at people like that. I glare like _this_!" She glared at me for example. She was right. She did a much better job. Alice and Jasper walked in, hand in hand.

"I was cute!" Alice smiled, twirling in a little circle before sitting on my other side.

"Are you kidding? It looked like I was paying more attention to the humans around me than to you!" Jasper grumbled. Emmett was silent, thoughtful.

"No Emmett, we can not throw them into a shark pit." Edward answered a silent question exasperatedly, though his eyes revealed he was clearly considering it. He paced back and forth in front of us. But then his expression lit up, and a gorgeous smile touched his lips.

"Please Emmett, that's just..._genious!" _Alice blinked, and her face went blank, but after a moment they became animated as she smiled wickedly.

"I'm guessing what I just saw succeeding was your plan." She grinned, and Jasper raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, now I'm scared." He joked. I twisted so my head was on the floor and my feet were going over the sofa, so I could observe the scene upside down.

"Inform the human please." I looked up at Edward, now leaning over me.

"You're going to faint." He warned, pulling me back up properly.

"Oh whatever." I grumbled, pouting. "But seriously, what's the plan?" Edward exchanged a glance with Alice, who nodded.

"Well, we obviously need to teach them a lesson." He smiled, so happy that it took my breath away. "So...we're going to create Vampire

Boot Camp." I raised my eyebrows, and he sighed. "We're going to kidnap them and make them see how to really be a vampire. And..." He glanced apologetically at Alice who just randomly began to scowl. "We need the wolves help. We'll each take care of our own double, I'll help Bella with hers-" I scowled at him "But all we need is Carlisle's help."

"He'll never agree!" Rosalie argued.

"I wouldn't be so sure..." Carlisle appeared at the top of the stairs, arm around Esme's waist. "We're in." Edward smiled.

"Game on then."

**A/N: Next chap is catching them, then from #3 on it's boot camp! Review please!**


	2. The foundation

A/N: Oh my goodness, thank you so much for the reviews! Kay, here we go. This one won't be really super creative, but I need it before I can get anywhere. I made Rob really dumb. Too bad for him. XD.

Robert Pattinson's POV

What an awesome shoot that was! I pulled out my awesome comb and puffed my hair up.

"You are so hot!" I told my reflection. I was in my trailer, at the set of our next Twilight movie, New Moon. But it was almost time to go home, and I was missing my favorite show, What Not To Wear! **(A/N: I love that show XP) **I quickly strutted out of the area, and decided walking would be awesome for my muscles. Plus maybe a fan girl would find me and want a taste of my Rob-ness.

So there I was, minding my own buisiness, when suddenly, next thing I know is I'm pushed up against a wall in some ally, with this really pale dude glaring at me. But his hair was like, almost as awesome as mine, which is saying something. So this pale dude is glaring at me, and I'm all like, what?

"I'd like to have a chat with you, kind sir." He muttered, really low, but his voice was like...like that guy I'm supposed to be playing, what's his name? Edwin? Yeah, Edwin. "Edward, you twit." The pale dude like, growled at me. That was when I had my awesomely awesome thought.

"Are you Edward Cullen?" I asked. He rolled his eyes and pulled me by the wrist to a silver volvo. "Wow, you are! Oh, I get it. You want my autograph." Edward just shook his head at me all disbelieving like and slammed the door on my side. Right away some pretty pink gas came out of the air vents and made me go nighty-night.

**(A.N: Sorry Rob lovers. I hate him. Sorry!)**

Kirsten Stewart's POV

That idiot Robert had just gone to his trailor as I pulled on my jacket and headed for my car. He had such nerve. First, he was so drunk that he could barly speak, and second, he had tried to...-I suppose seduce is the right word-me. Like I said, he was an idiot. I put some gum in my mouth before smiling for some camera and finally escaping to the lot I had left my car in. It was eerily quiet, which normally wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't feel like I was being watched. And it wasn't even the typical follow-my-every-move-hoping-I'll-fall-in-love stalking feeling, it was more of the primitave, someone-means-me-harm kind, like a spidy-sense almost. I got into my car, and only started the engine when someone clapped a cloth over my mouth and nose. Before I blacked out I heard simply,

"Exellent job, Bella!"

**(A.N: I don't particularly love her either but she's okay. I got told off for talking down to people today, and my crush came to my rescue. -sighs dreamily- But you don't need to know this.)**

Kellan Lutz

I yawned, putting down the weights I had been pumping. It was getting late, and dark. Not to mention that I had to walk back home. I was renting a place for the duration of our movie. Sighing, I got up to change. Just as I was about to leave, some guy comes in. He's really pale, with dark, curly hair, but man! He was ripped! That was the guy who should be playing Emmett. The guy grinned at me.

"You in the mood for an arm wrestling match?" He challenged. I didn't really want to, but what if it got out to the press that big strong Kellan backed out of a simple arm wrestling match? I smiled threateningly and nodded. It really didn't strike me as odd, even though it was almost midnight and I was talking to a compleate stranger, but you have to think an actor would be used to this by now. We got in position, and we clasped hands. His was as hard as rock and deathly cold. I gasped and tried to move away, but his hand held me there.

"What's wrong Kellan?" The big guy asked in a baby voice. "Vampire got your tounge?" I heard a sigh from the front desk area.

"Is that really the best you could come up with?" An impatiant voice asked. The big guy scowled.

"Whatever Jasper." In seconds I was pulled against his cheast, and a cloth was pressed against my face. I blacked out immediatly.

**(A.N: Kellan and Jackson are the hottest guys by far.)**

Nikki Reed

"Uhm, Miss Reed? Yes, the store closed an hour ago..." A shop attendant interupted my dress comparisons.

"Don't care. Now, which do you think says 'I'm a vampire, better than you in every way, so get out of my way!' ?" I held up the two garments I was stuck on, and the guy looked at me like I was crazy.

"Nikki, darling, I know which one will make you glow!" A really beautiful blonde strode toward me, smiling brightly. She might have even been...gulp...prettier than me! Wow, that hurt to think. I smiled back.

"You can go now little man." I waved away the attendant and focused on this newcomer. "So, which is best?" I held them up, and she scrutinized them throughly.

"Well, I think I have the perfect look for you!" She smiled innocently, and then I realized something was wrong. She even had a hand behind her back. It took all my acting skills to keep the smile on my face.

"Err, I think I've had enough shopping for one day." I laughed akwardly and started to turn when she caught my elbow. Her tone was suddenly dark.

"The store is closed." She hissed in my ear. My eyes widdened as a cloth was clamped over my face and I sunk to the ground.

**(A:N: I don't have anything against Nikki, it's just a silent, empty store is the perfect place for Rose to find her victim. Plus I like writing about ego-maniacs. Sue me.)**

Peter Facinelli's POV

"I think so too." Elizabeth Reaser, my date for this evening, and also potraying my wife in our new movie, Twilight, said for the fiftieth time.

"Well, I love eating cow manure." I narrowed my eyes, daring her to agree.

"I think so too!" She giggled, and I sighed. So much for a nice night out.

"Let's go for a walk." I threw some bills on the table and escorted her towards the door. Just then, another couple walked in, but paused in the doorway, blocking our way.

"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?" The man asked, cocking his head slightly. The woman was trying to hide a smile.

"Why, it's Carlisle and Esme Cullen!" She declared softly, smiling. The man smiled too.

"Well so it is. I'd just love to get your autographs. Why don't we step outside for a moment?" I nodded. Maybe I could ditch Elizabeth with them. We stepped outside, and I glanced at my watch. It was nearing midnight.

"I think I have my autograph book in the car. You must sign that!" The woman declared, looking up through her lashes in a very tempting mannor. The man sighed, and shrugged.

"I'm helpless when it comes to what she wants." He sighed, walking down the sidewalk towards a black mercedees. My eyes widened.

"Nice car!" I breathed, rushing to catch up to him, towing Elizabeth behind me. As I was watching my reflection in the glass, I saw the mystery couple come up behind us, and before I could register what was happening, the world was black.

**(A.N: Sorry Elizabeth Reaser fans...I needed another quirk and my brain isn't working. We're almost done, we just need Alice and Jazz.)**

Ashley Greene's POV

I sat, reading Twilight for the umpteenth time over. It was the most awesomest book in the whole wide world! I sighed and closed it. I was too hyper to read, but it was nearing one a.m and my suger high was wearing off, so I returned Twilight to my bag and glanced out the library window. There was an awesome porche in the lot! I totally needed to check it out, so I zipped down the stairs and out the door, skipping to it.

"Hi." The girl inside smiled. I waved.

"Awesome car." I told her.

"Wanna take it for a spin?" She asked. That was when I smelt something fishy, but hey, it was an awesome car. I nodded, and she stepped out. What was funny was that when she got in the back, she hit a button, and all the doors locked. Then some gas started pouring right out of the air vents! I was snoring immediatly.

(**A.n: You cannot blame me for the suckishness. It is one a.m. I do not want to sleep. RAWR!) (Five minutes after I wrote that I went to sleep.)**

Jackson Rathbone's POV

Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I walked swiftly in the direction of my car. That stupid director of ours (A.N: It fits my story that Cathrine is doing New Moon too. Sue me.) was compleatly wacko. As I raved about her in my head, I reached my car and unlocked it, having done so so often that it was simply nature. I started off into the streets, but it was almost two a.m and the street was empty, so I decided to drive over the speed limit. Just as I hit my favorite speed, I heard sirens behind me. Cursing, I pulled over, and saw in my rearveiw mirror a police officer, on a really awesome motercycle. It looked top of the line, but not exactly an on duty cop vehicle. I waited for the cop to get to me, and rolled down my window.

"Is there a reason you were going so fast?" He asked, compleatly ignoring the yellow porche that just fishtailed around behind us, a girl getting out and zipping away on the motercycle.

"Uh, not really." I admitted, distracted by the scene behind us.

"Out of the car." He sighed, and when I complied, he took me compleatly by suprise when he handcuffed me and pressed a cloth to my face.

Bella's POV

Jasper arrived at the Cullen mansion, carrying Jackson Rathborne.

"Is that everyone?" Esme asked, counting the actors and actresses. I nodded. Carlisle spoke up.

"The chloroform should wear off soon." He murmured, checking Rob Pattinson's pulse. "As in two minutes, everyone get in position." I giggled. Everyone was in camoflage outfits, Edward, Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper actually looked like boot camp officers, Alice, Esme and Rose were in camo dresses, and I had suceeded in convincing them that I would be better in cargo pants and a t-shirt, all camoflauge. It was rather hilarious, actually. We had decided on a game plan that would be revealed step by step, but step one was intimidation. Edward had a whistle around his neck, as he would be the one speaking. The humans were slumped on the couch, hands bound, and we stood behind them so everyone could wake up before any of them saw us. One by one, they awoke, and after five minutes, they were all concious. Edward nodded and we marched around the couch, like we had practiced, around to the front of the couch.

"Hello! My name is Edward Cullen, and you have disgraced us!" Edward shouted, sounding like a pretty ligitamate drill sergant.

"What are you talking about?" Ashley Greene asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Was it not you who mimiked our way of life on the big screen?" Emmett shouted, before being silenced by a glare from Edward. She bit her lip and nodded, clearly frightened.

"Well that is not acceptable!" Edward glowered at Rob, who looked to be in a daze. "And this is where you will learn just how unacceptable that is! This is Vampire Boot Camp! Class begins tomorrow, at oh six hundred hours."

"But that's six a.m!" Kirsten protested. Edward glared.

"Did I give you permission to speak, mortal?" He asked threateningly. She gulped visably.

"No sir..." She muttered. Edward nodded, satisfied.

"Follow the dogs to your quarters." He shouted, and we moved back behind the couch, revealing outside Jacob in human form, flanked by Quil and Embry in their wolf forms. I highfived Edward for a job well done.


	3. Into action

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm just lazy.**

I stood at attention as the wolves filed the actors into the Cullen dining room. It was only six a.m, and I was already drowsy. The actors looked tired too, but apperantly that was the goal. Emmett was talking this time.

"Attention folks! Today, we'll start easy, with what comes naturally to any vampire. But it's the only break you're going to get!" He blew a whistle, and Esme and Alice quickly placed bowls in front of them all. At first, I thought it was tomato soup, but then I caught the scent of rust and salt in the air, and buried my face in Edward's side. They were making the actors drink blood! I heard many "Eww!" 's, as soon as they realized what it was.

"You have to be kidding me! I'm too awesome to do something like this!" Nikki complained, turning her head away from the table like a young child.

"Oh, so she doesn't have to eat it? I'm like, way more super awesome than her!" Robert grumbled, staring into the bowl. Edward made a face.

"And that is supposed to potray me?" He wrinkled his nose, and I giggled.

"So there isn't a choice." Kirsten looked at Emmett, and he nodded. She turned back to her human friends. "If they're really like their story says, we have no choice. And with that, she spooned the liquid into her mouth.

**A/N: Be patient and wait until Monday when my partner in crime comes back to give me ideas. She's on an 8 day Carrabian Cruise. Bleh. **


End file.
